I get so consumed by my own struggles sometimes, that I forget the impact it has on my husband. Sometimes, I can be a real pain in the arse to live with! (I know we all have our moments.)
I decided to make an effort for him a few nights ago and make things a little cosy. I put together some pallets and covered them in blankets. I made some candle holders out of a whiskey bottle and a port bottle (our favourites!)- though I already had an iron bird thing to stick in the top. And the solar lights are always up- an easy win. Lit some candles and “job’s a guddun”.
I’m a romantic fool it must be said, but my gesture was genuine. I try to tell him every day how much I appreciate him because even though he struggles to, he has always tried to understand. And there’s a lot to get your head around!
I know he understands that some days I prefer my own company and other days, I don’t want to be more than five feet away from him.
That some days, I want to go out exploring in the country side on our doorstep but the next day, stepping out from beneath the duvet seems a step too far.
That I might make plans for us to get dolled up and go out with our friends, whilst I’m rehearsing a thousand excuses as to why we shouldn’t go.
That I’m short tempered before we go out because of the apprehension of socialising.
That I love the idea of travelling but hate the idea of leaving.
That my Anxiety is so frustratingly backwards… It’s somewhere between going bungee jumping and facilitating groups every day, to feeling physically sick in supermarkets and not being able to make phone calls.
That I yearn for the change that I’m also terrified of.
That some days I can cope better than others, but I need to know that he’s there, everyday.
That he is enough for me, in EVERY way, but my thoughts can take me to a place that not even he can retrieve me from.
That he rescues me daily, but sometimes I have to rescue myself.
I don’t expect him to always understand because, fuck! I don’t have a clue myself half the time! But he shows me how he feels about me every day because he tries. And that means everything.
So that’s what has been burning on my mind lately! Here’s my latest video update on progress: https://choosetransformation.files.wordpress.com/2019/05/020519.mp4
Feel free to share your thoughts 🙂