“It’s life, Kim, but not as we know it…”

Hello again! You may have noticed I’ve been off the scene for a little while. I’m not the best when it comes to coping with change and so, I’ve spent this time away trying to adjust to the monumental changes that have befallen us and those that await us on the horizon…

You see, on the 1st May 2019, I discovered that I was 4 weeks pregnant.

I’m a firm believer that that the Universe is constantly working and planning around us, mapping our lives and guiding us towards certain paths and decisions. Sometimes, we perceive these as negative, but ultimately, they are all opportunities to grow and learn. Deep, huh?

I ‘ve been reflecting on such things, in my own life. I had to recover from the Stress and Anxiety caused by everything that happened at work back in March. I was then offered a new job just days before I found out we were expecting, but I declined it. Looking back, if I had accepted it I would have lost all of my Maternity allowance.

This whole journey with Mindfulness and learning to be present, has now become a solid foundation for this new path; one towards Hypnobirthing and trying to cope with labour- physically and mentally.

Life’s a funny thing, isn’t it? I’m now 14 weeks and 2 days- due January 4th 2020! Baby has been healthy in all our scans so far, but a nightmare to catch! Thanks to a tilted Uterus and a baby who prefers to sit upright, our last 20 minute appointment took 2.5 hours…

My pregnancy hormones have been carrying me through and my Anxiety has been significantly better- which is one factor I’ve always been terrified of. The fear of not coping with pregnancy was one of my most Anxiety provoking concerns, but so far I’ve been OK. I’ve continued with my Antidepressants under medical supervision, as it’s only a maintenance dose. I was involved in the decision and actually, we agreed that the risk of my mental health deteriorating without them and negatively impacting the pregnancy, was greater than that of risk to baby.

I’ve not quite wrapped my head around labour yet, but I’m in the process of educating myself and hope to focus on removing some of the fear and Anxiety from labour and investing that into trusting my body instead. I’m surprisingly calm at this point, but when I’m the size of a 3 bed- semi and getting my insides booted, I’ll probably feel differently.

Now I’m out of the first trimester, the nausea and vomiting has drastically reduced (thank GOD) and I feel I’ve got my ‘mojo’ back! ‘Morning sickness’ is such a bullshit myth- had morning, afternoon and evening sickness, but was way worse in the evening, just before bed. The risk of miscarriage is reduced at this point, but it’s still something I worry about. I imagine that’s something every expecting mother goes through? But what will be, will be. Pregnancy and IBS isn’t an ideal match, I’ll be honest and I could do without the 2am trapped wind, but just watching my diet really carefully.

My body is changing and will likely never look the same again. I though I might feel differently about it, but actually I’m embracing it and enjoying my new shape! (More of a lightbulb now, than an hourglass…)

It makes me think, now that there is physically another being inside me I’m so conscious of what I’m ingesting- I’m eating healthily, exercising, taking my breaks, resting whenever I need to and trying to sleep better. Why was it so hard to imagine myself as that being before, in need of nurturing and care? Maybe it’s because, it’s not about me and it’s always easier to care for other people, particularly a dependent… But it shouldn’t be, because we are dependent on ourselves to make that a priority. That’s one thing I do want to carry forward.

I’m still working the same hours, which was bloody hard work in the first trimester, but it’s getting easier again now. No nights though, which is great! I’ve spent most of my spare time in the garden, which I’m trying to make more bee- friendly. We now have a bee hotel, but not seen it used yet!

So that’s where I’m at. Still adjusting, in my own time but embracing the changes.

It’s nice to be back! K x

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